The Ultimate Guide to Change Yourself

So if you clicked on this link because you thought, “oh finally I can change myself after reading this article” or some other bull shit reason for changing yourself, I am going to give in on a little secret………... the title was clickbait, this article isn’t about how you can change yourselves, rather it is about why you cannot “change” who YOU are really. Now before bolting from this blog and going back on scrolling infinitely in your Instagram feed, let me just tell you that this article might actually help you “modify” rather than “change”.

Now the mantra #1 is: what-ifs are a complete BS

What if I could talk to my 15-year-old self again! What if I could go back in time? what if I never met him/her in my life? What if I could relive my life?

So, let me ask you one small question? What difference you could have made? Done better at school? Practiced more before that debate competition or game? Given a snarky comment back to your boss when he was scolding you?

We all have moments of regrets, things that we wish we would have done, we all think we can change. We think if we change, we could have changed ourselves. Truth be told, that is not possible.

Us trying to change ourselves is like a thirsty man in a desert running tirelessly towards a mirage, it does not exist. One person can not “change” who they really are, but can sure as hell modify their behavior which in turn can bring joy and happiness.

You can modify your personality, you can modify your reaction, you can modify your lifestyle.

You can’t change how you think, how you react. You can adjust your current behaviors. You can modify your reaction to being reasonable and act accordingly, you can reach out. But can never change.

Our DNA, chemistry, genetic makeup whatever you want to call it, we cannot change that. That is what makes us different from others even though we all are the same 99.9% that 0.1% is your so-called individuality. So instead of beating yourself up for what you have done, you can embrace your true personality, and try to modify those little blots in your white wall and make an art out of it.

Our societal construct has made us think that there is only one acceptable way which if I am being honest, is unachievable to its fullest. Yes, some components of it are good, we should follow certain behavior because it is good for us, like waking up early, working out, doing yoga and eating healthy. But the problem arises when it gets your identity involved.

We start associating certain behaviors with identity, like “gym person” “early riser” “stoner” “polite person”.

When we start associating the behavior with identity, we try to change our personality in order to achieve that goal.

Like lest say you decide to go to the gym. So, in your mind, you have a construct of that a “gym person”, so you get yourself ready to go to the gym the next day. You buy protein shake, get new yoga leggings, shop at decathlon, and make a workout playlist. You do all this because of the construct of a “gym person” that you have in your mind.

Since doing all of this is tedious, you just don’t go to the gym at all.

Now let’s try another view, where you do not associate anything with the behavior. You decide to go to the gym, you get the membership, you get up the next day, and go to the gym.

This version seems better right?

Lets talk of the first version, in order to fulfill, your emotional stake raises massively, let’s say you do completely reinvent yourself, you succeed (spoiler- you won’t) you will enjoy the high of being a completely whole “new person”, and that too until the next time you feel crappy, and want to “change” yourself again. And if you fail (which is what happens mostly), you will chastise yourself for that you are an irredeemable sloth.

And that is the problem with getting your identity involved. You will consider yourself as a complete failure because you have decided that these arbitrary actions represent the totality of your character, your failure in getting up and putting on yoga pants as a verdict on your value as a human being. You will loath yourself and be less motivated to “change” or do anything else in the future.

To change any action, there is only one way: one action at a time. forget labeling them. Forget social accountability (in fact, research has found that sharing goals with others can actually backfire). Forget making a big hurrah about who you are, or what you are or what anyone thinks about you. Because they don’t. and neither do you for that matter.

Your identity is this made-up thing that you’re emotionally attached to, like a mirage in a hot desert. And the quickest way to change yourself is to realize that there is no ideal self that you can achieve, there are just an ideal set of behaviors.